Things I Think You Should Know


Please note: This post is intended to make fun of fashion designers. Thank you.

1. They can’t have too many layers.

2. Sometimes they are beef-jerky-tan. /

3. They always have their dogs with them.

4. Crazy hair? Fuck the haters. /

5. A big, weird bag is the perfect accessory.–large-msg-118223553406.jpg

Please tell me if I missed any. You guys are so smart.

Recently, the Clif Family Winery released the Climber Pouch. In a BPA-free, flexible plastic pouch, this wine is travel-friendly and green and is basically the wet dream of yuppie winos around the world.

“Go anywhere,” is their tagline. Implied is “…and drink wine while you’re doing it.” Because how could one possibly enjoy star gazing, or urban foraging, or a Dave Matthews concert without the lingering taste of cabernet? I hope this opens the floodgates for more hippie- and yuppie-targeted wine products. Like the following:

Hackey Sack Pinot Noir
Tagline: “Best Served Chill”
Packaging: Plastic pouch shaped like a gigantic hackey sack. Challenge your friends!

Slacklining Merlot
Tagline: “If you’re a white guy with dreads, you’ll love our big reds.”
Packaging:  Dual bottles can be held in each hand to improve balance.

Geocaching Rosé
Tagline: “As mildly pleasant as your outdoor activity.”
Packaging: Comes with its own Northface fleece.

Hula Hoop Syrah
Tagline: “Swirl. Sip. Swirl.”

 Farmer’s Market Chardonnay
Tagline: “Pairs well with Camembert and Camelbaks.”
Packaging: Plastic pouch that turns into reusable tote.

I’m on a Masters Swim Team, and we are currently trying to come up with a new mascot. Our coach is Syrian, and  there is occasionally a language barrier when the team discusses important issues such as mascots or workouts. It doesn’t help that he occasionally substitutes the French spelling of words when he writes workouts on the board because it will “teach us things.”

Below are the five worst swim team mascots I can think of. There are already enough people calling themselves dolphins and otters. And these are funnier.

1. The Wet Pussies

photo courtesy of m a t t i e u

Cats hate to swim. That’s why this is hilarious. Not the other reason.

2. The Rocks

photo courtesy of Chris_J

Our coach once sent an email to the team that included the phrase, “You are rocks.” We think he meant “You rock.” But are not 100% sure.

Also, we’re in San Francisco. And sometimes we swim in the Bay. And Alcatraz is in the Bay. And some people call Alcatraz “the Rock.”

That makes two really good reasons we should call ourselves after an object that does the exact opposite of what a swimmer does.

3. The Butt Cracks

Everyone has seen a man who wears his speedo a size or two too small. And the resulting inch or so of ass crack that peeks out. This is a recurring topic of conversation in the swimming community, and I want to encourage that.

4. The Octi-Jockeys

5. I’m going to send this last one to our coach as a 100% serious mascot submission, which would make us the San Francisco Missile-firing Raptor Sharks.

1. I’m taking my pants off.

Use this one as often as possible. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. Different inflections and different settings vary the hilariousness, but shit. This one’s always a win. Best delivery is usually totally deadpan, and is followed by a reach towards your zipper. For example:

(over intercom) Friend: Hey, we’re outside. Buzz us in.
You: Ok! I’m taking my pants off.

(Arriving late to a restaurant) Sit down, heave a big sigh, and say, “Traffic was insane.” Look around table, toss napkin on plate. “I’m taking my pants off.

Friend: Want to go try that new cupcake place around the corner?
You: Sure. I’m taking my pants off. 

(At a zoo) Friend: Giraffes really are majestic creatures, aren’t they?
You: I’m taking my pants off. 


This must be said angrily and defensively, and in the most bitchy-gay voice you can muster. See this video at the 2:00 mark for the perfect example.  When to use:

At Christmas. Every single time you open a present.

Each time someone compliments you on an article of clothing.

At the end of your order from a restaurant. Then again, if that order is delivered to your house.

In response to the question, “Do you like _________?” if you actually do like the thing, but also want to scare that person a little.

3. Christ on a bike.

Use this exclamation in place of Oh God, Jesus Christ, Good Lord, etc. They’re old, they’re played out, and this one is better. Because, imagine it.

4. That’s it.

Said in response to any trifling piece of negative news. Like, “Oh, we forgot napkins.” This one also requires a physical performance that is known as “giving up.” Go limp. Just crumple to the ground and lay down in one of those splayed-out poses bad actors use in death scenes. The best is when your arms are also full: drop your keys and your bags and become an impediment to foot traffic. Giving up is also better in public places like malls and work functions, or at least when a lot of your friends are watching.

5. Every line of dialogue from Dumb & Dumber.

If there is one movie to quote incessantly, it’s this one. Dumb & Dumber lines are a good barometer of how awesome someone is. If they know the line, they are awesome. If they don’t, they aren’t.

Or, How to Make New Years Not Suck.

Start your new year with Schneider Weisse Day* Eve (January 1st), and Schneider Weisse Day (January 2nd). Because it is so much better than being hungover after a night stuck a shitty bar full of people you don’t like.

You will not regret this.

The History of Schneider Weisse Day

Begun in 1769, in the Bavarian hamlet of Likkensiedikken, Schneider Weisse Day is a celebration of the new year. And of sausage.

That’s pretty much it.

How to Celebrate

1. Buy a jar of Bockwurst. Preferably on clearance, and preferably of the least-enticing presentation possible. If you can find it pickled or cured, in a jar, you’re on the right track.
It should smell like cat food.
2.  Rent a cabin and invite the kind of people who appreciate clearance-rack sausage.
3. Enforce a dress code consisting of
– Flannel
– Down vests and/or jackets
– 1980’s era après-ski gear
– Traditional German lederhosen or dirndls
– Varying amounts of nudity
4. Speak only in exaggerated  German accents. End most of your sentences with “Ja?”
5. Let the magic happen. Whether or not you open and consume the bockwurst depends entirely on how much you and your friends like to place bets.

*This is an entirely made-up holiday. Schneider Weisse is actually a brand of German beer, and has nothing to do with sausage. Other than the fact that is is German. Which means it’s probably all about the sausage.**

**I’m German, so this is not racist.

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