10 Ways To Ruin Your Day

Aside from the deaths of loved ones, serious injuries, financial disasters, and war, below is a list of ten things that turn my mood immediately from good to fucking terrible. I will assume you are exactly the same.

Ten (Minor) Things That Ruin A Day:

  1. Step on a lego in your bare feet.
  2. Realize you lost your keys. Frantically empty entire contents of bag on to sidewalk. Hear a metallic jingle and feel sudden rush of relief. See that it was just a buckle hitting another buckle or something. Realize you really did lose your keys in a second, totally-soul-crushing moment. Then, THEN find said keys. Spend the rest of the day pissed off at keys and bags in general.
  3. Read an article about a teenage athlete who is sailing around the world/reinventing ski-cross/going to the Olympics/just fucking killing it in general. Also they’re really attractive. And rich. And sixteen.
  4. Something is stuck in your teeth, but you cannot get it out. Nor do you have floss.
  5. Attempt to parallel park, don’t quite get the angle right, and turn the process into a five-minute wiggle-back-and-forth-like-a-retard maneuver. Pedestrians watch you the entire time.
  6. Justin Bieber.
  7. Visit Facebook because you are bored. Hate the inane shit that everyone posts there, but read it for a solid 30 minutes anyways. Somehow finish by being even more bored and also loathing yourself.
  8. A giant, spiky booger is in your nose but OTHER PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT YOU AND YOU CANNOT PICK IT.
  9. It’s one of those days where the internet is just lame. All of it.
  10. For whatever reason, your asshole is incredibly itchy.
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