1. I’m taking my pants off.
Use this one as often as possible. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. Different inflections and different settings vary the hilariousness, but shit. This one’s always a win. Best delivery is usually totally deadpan, and is followed by a reach towards your zipper. For example:
(over intercom) Friend: Hey, we’re outside. Buzz us in.
You: Ok! I’m taking my pants off.
(Arriving late to a restaurant) Sit down, heave a big sigh, and say, “Traffic was insane.” Look around table, toss napkin on plate. “I’m taking my pants off.”
Friend: Want to go try that new cupcake place around the corner?
You: Sure. I’m taking my pants off.
(At a zoo) Friend: Giraffes really are majestic creatures, aren’t they?
You: I’m taking my pants off.
2. IT’S MY FAVORITE.
This must be said angrily and defensively, and in the most bitchy-gay voice you can muster. See this video at the 2:00 mark for the perfect example. When to use:
At Christmas. Every single time you open a present.
Each time someone compliments you on an article of clothing.
At the end of your order from a restaurant. Then again, if that order is delivered to your house.
In response to the question, “Do you like _________?” if you actually do like the thing, but also want to scare that person a little.
3. Christ on a bike.
Use this exclamation in place of Oh God, Jesus Christ, Good Lord, etc. They’re old, they’re played out, and this one is better. Because, imagine it.
4. That’s it.
Said in response to any trifling piece of negative news. Like, “Oh, we forgot napkins.” This one also requires a physical performance that is known as “giving up.” Go limp. Just crumple to the ground and lay down in one of those splayed-out poses bad actors use in death scenes. The best is when your arms are also full: drop your keys and your bags and become an impediment to foot traffic. Giving up is also better in public places like malls and work functions, or at least when a lot of your friends are watching.
5. Every line of dialogue from Dumb & Dumber.
If there is one movie to quote incessantly, it’s this one. Dumb & Dumber lines are a good barometer of how awesome someone is. If they know the line, they are awesome. If they don’t, they aren’t.