1. Products Bought During Black Friday, Cyber Monday, or Tangerine Tango Tuesdays.
Yes, I made the last one up. But seriously. All you’re going to do with those deals is spend money on stuff you (and the recipient) don’t really need or want. It’s just the sale that’s making it seem so awesome. Resist, godammit. And no one wants a present from the cretins who get into Black Friday sales anyway.
2. Handmade Decorative Items
- A vase you painted. No one likes vases.
- Some bullshit picture frame you glued things to. I don’t care how good it looks. If you like it that much, you keep it. And then buy your friend something they actually want.
- A “friendship” collage. Unless you are 11, you are better than this.
- For coaches or teachers: A shirt, jersey, ball, picture or any other godforsaken object that your entire team or class signs. This has been done. Done to death. And your coach/teacher already has about 734 of these kinds of gifts gathering dust in their office. And they can’t throw them away because that would make them an asshole, but they don’t really have the space for 20 soccer balls covered in the signatures of not-famous people.
- Handmade decorations like wreaths, snowmen made out of socks/styrofoam balls, nativity scenes, stockings covered in sh*t cut out of felt… Just because you can make something and then pass it off as a gift doesn’t mean you should.
- If there is rack-rack on it, just burn it. Burn it now.
3. Bath & Body Products
If there’s anything that screams, “I don’t know you that well but I sure would like it if you smelled better,” it’s bath and body products. Bath fizzies, body butter, smelly soaps…in theory, sure, your friend would love to relax in a bathtub full of Blumpkin Pie bubblebath, but in reality these gifts are NEVER used. Because they’re “kind of nice,” they’re usually saved until, seven years later, they are rediscovered still in their cutesy packaging, and thrown out. Because these things expire, right? And because no one really wants to smell like Raspberry WetDream, right?