Thing I hate #34: Most Halloween Candy

Tootsie Rolls

Tootsie Rolls have been around since 1896. And by that I mean ALL the tootsie rolls have been around since 1896, because I’m pretty sure Tootsie Roll Industries just produced several million of their slightly-turd-like candies that year and stores have just been trying to get through their inventory ever since. They sure as hell taste like it.

Generic Hard Candies

Nobody likes these candies because:
– They’re reminiscent of grandmothers, and no one like to be reminded that someday they’re going to turn into a bitter, shriveled husk of a woman who can’t even afford name-brand candy.
– No one can tell what the f*** flavor they are. Is the yellow one lemon, or butterscotch, or (suppresses gag reflex) banana? Either way, you’re not getting what you want.
– About halfway through eating this kind of candy, you have to make a decision: do you bite down, and then spend the rest of the night trying to get out the tiny shards of candy that are wedged in the tops of your molars, or do you keep sucking on the candy (and talking like a challenged person) until it’s a thin, pointed splinter that if you swallow it will probably puncture your windpipe?

If you’re lucky, you can pass these off on a child who is still young enough to believe that any candy is good candy, or like a crow, is enchanted by the shiny wrapper. But make sure they’re old enough not to choke and die when eating it, because that would ruin pretty much all your future Halloweens.

“Fun size” Candy Bars

Someone explain to me what is “fun” about a tiny, tiny candy bar that only leaves you wanting more. Sure, if you go trick or treating and get enough of them, you’ll have an entire mouthful of Reese’s, Snickers, etc., but most of us just look sadly at the little chocolate sitting in the palm of our hand, silently wishing that it was full size.

And don’t start with me on the whole, “you’ll eat less” idea behind these. No, I won’t. I’ll eat more, because in my mind each candy has a negligible caloric or carbohydrate impact. Thirteen fun size butterfingers later and I’m still proud of myself for “restraint.”

Dum Dums

Dum Dums always seem to come out in droves during Halloween, and anyone who gives them away should have to eat a pounds’ worth of lollipop sticks as punishment. Dum Dums suck*. Their name sucks. Their flavors suck. I know some people are all about the Cream Soda and the Sour Apple. But I’m not. And this is my blog. The only cool thing you can do with Dum Dums are eat the candy and then, if it’s a cold Halloween, make the stick into a pretend cigarette. But cigarettes cause cancer which, let’s face it, also sucks.

Dum Dums should only be used as currency during Halloween candy trading for superior edibles, like Snickers and M&Ms. Dum Dums are the pennies of the Halloween candy trade, whereas Snickers and Reese’s are the Benjamins. You know what I’m talking about.

Oh, and quelle surprise: the company also manufactures Circus Peanuts. Blergh.

*That’s right. Lollipop/sucker/suck pun totally intended.

Tiny Boxes of Raisins

Because, no.

I encourage you to learn something about yourself, with Funny or Die’s “What the Halloween Candy You Give Out Says About You.”

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