You know those people who are all, “Oh, that very private-looking conversation that couple on the bench is having is none of my business. I will leave them alone.”?
I am not one of those people.
I like eavesdropping and listening in on things I shouldn’t. I also stare at people. In other words: I have little to no manners, and humans fascinate me. And I’m really, really good at sitting perfectly still and pretending to read my book while listening to others.
For those of you who don’t want assholes like me listening to your conversations on public transit, in grocery stores or while we wait in line for Disney’s Matterhorn ride, here are a few keywords that you should avoid. Not only will the make my ears prick up, but they are inappropriate and should only be discussed in the privacy of your home, car or doctor’s office. I’ve also included a list of topics that are so boring they should never be discussed, whether in public or otherwise.
10 Things To Not Talk About In Public Because I Will Totally Listen To Them:
2. Anything that involved the police.
3. Things your kids put in their nose/the toilet.
4. How your partner does that one thing in bed.
5. Holidays with family that were absolutely disastrous.
6. Pretty serious injuries.
7. Pretty much anything that opens with, “So I’m at the Renaissance Faire…”.
9. Disconcerting visits to the doctor’s office.
10. That time you hit someone’s pet with your car.
On the reverse side, there are some topics that shouldn’t be discussed in public, like, ever, because they are so incredibly dull. Save that crap for when you’re at home and can Skype with your equally-nerdy friends, not out in public when I’m busy trying to overhear the actually-interesting things other people talk about.
10 Things Not To Talk About In Public Because I Will Find Them Incredibly Boring:
1. Your pets.
2. Any confusion as to why “he/she hasn’t called yet.”
3. How much fun you had at Disneyland.
4. Salad recipes.
5. Your cervix.
6. Fantasy novel recommendations.
7. Youtube videos.
8. What picky eaters your kids are.
9. The apps on your smartphone/iPad.
10. Your alcohol tolerance.
Featured photo courtesy of nicos providakis/Flickr