Thing I hate #31: Facebook Status Updates

Most major media sites have come out with some article bitching about Facebook, whether about the fact that it reduces our human interaction to shallow online nothingness, or its functionality, or its ability to suck away hours of useful time that could be spent hanging out with real people/eating food because you’re lonely/macrame-ing/at some other shit.

Now it’s my turn.

And I hate status updates.

All of ’em. Why? Because there isn’t a goddamn thing you can include in a status update that doesn’t annoy me, somehow.*

1. The “Woe is me” cry for attention.

Stop whining. If you want a hug or reassurance, go to your mom/pet/online boyfriend who understands all your needs. If you just want people to feel sorry for you, chances are we already do. Just not for the reasons you posted in your update.

2. The “My life is soooo awesome!” brag.

kait jarbeau is in love with you/Flickr

Jesus.

We get it. You’re doing something you enjoy. Something we probably wish we were doing too. But we aren’t. We’re staring at a computer screen, in a shitty office or late at night alone in our bedroom.

And these status updates usually contain that stupid heart symbol. Or way too many exclamation points (i.e., two), a grammatical trend that makes me want to hurt things (i.e., the people that use them). Are the point of these updates to make us jealous? Or to make sure we know what you’re doing at all times? Or to buoy our spirits that somewhere, somehow, our friends have figured out how to have a good time without us? How about you go do your thing and if something story-worthy happens, you tell me about it over beers when we actually hang out. Which, if you fall into the 90% of my Facebook friends that I don’t actually ever see in real life, will probably be never. Thanks.

3. Shitty pictures of food. Make that, any food at all.

edenspodek/Flickr

So you eat things. Congratulations.

I would be way more interested in pictures of people’s morning dumps the day after than of the super-fancy meal/giant sundae/homemade pizza they’re actually posting. If you want to start a food blog no one reads, go do that so I don’t have see your terrible iPhone pictures on my computer screen.

4. The “Nobody gives a shit” update

Sometimes someone will post an update that is just an incredibly mundane fact about their day. And that offense should be punishable by a sharp slap in the ass with a hockey stick.

So here is my plea: Stop updating. Use it sparingly. If something big goes down, something you really want to share with hundreds of people, post it. If it tells them something groundbreaking and important to you, or will bring a smile to their face, or informs them of something you feel passionate about, fine. But if you post another picture of your and your roommates making duckfaces and peace signs at some club you will deserve the slap I give you next time I see you. Which probably won’t be soon.

I want to give a medal to each and every person who takes the time to point out grammatical errors, or post acerbic and biting retorts to the worst of the Facebook status offenders. You guys are my shining stars.

*Obviously there is the rare, hilarious exception to this rule. Because I am a hypocrite, and also because I like knowing when my friends embarrass themselves, or share a funny link, or when animals poop in unexpected places. I’m sure that this post will comeback to bite me in the ass someday.

Featured image courtesy of Finger Food/Flickr