Brownie batter is my favorite of all the batters. Better than cookie, better than cake.
I’m not talking about homemade brownie batter, either. No sir. I like the kind that comes from a box. The kind that needs just a couple of eggs, some canola oil and a little bit of water to create that perfectly artificial, slightly-grainy brown goop.
If you plan on enjoying some of this nectar-of-the-gods, here are a few warnings:
1. Sometimes the box of instant brownie mix is old, and the fine powder has collected a few dense clumps.* That’s fine, but be prepared to whisk the shit out of that bowl to reach the desired consistency (sure, you can use electric beaters, but then you wouldn’t be earning it). Because if you leave the lumps, sometimes a nugget of powder will get coated in batter and then when you eat it turns into a fine, dry, slightly-chocolatey explosion in your mouth. Some people like this, but those are the same people who claim to enjoy Bikram yoga and techno music.
2. You’d better have like, a gallon of milk standing at the ready to help you wash it down.
3. Use a spoon. Because a) more batter and b) you will avoid moist-finger syndrome.
4. Someone, someday will say, “You know, you can get salmonella from eating raw eggs.” This is your cue to fling a full spoonful of batter onto their shirt/face.
5. If you are one of those confused people who add chips or nuts to your brownies, please do so after you partake of the batter. They will throw the texture right off. And they are stupid.
6. You will get batter on your clothes or face, only to notice it several hours later. Just tell people it’s dried blood. That’s cooler.
7. If you manage to not eat all of the batter and actually want to make brownies out of it, use an edge baking pan. Recommended by yetis (and me), because we both know the corner brownies are the best.
*If you’re the kind of person who has so much brownie batter stocked up in your pantry that boxes get old like this, well done.
Featured photo courtesy of my_amii/Flickr