Thing I hate #30: Manicured Goatees

Goatees in general are a shitty choice of facial hair, especially since they seem to belong mainly to men who are trying very, very hard to be cool. The mid-life crisis-ers, the jeans-and-white-tennis-shoes wearers, the past-his-prime-college-football-player who still thinks he can pull in chicks (sometimes all three are the same man. Unfortunately.). Goatees are the facial hair of men who think they have fashion sense/a good body/something to offer women, but don’t. Goatees are the opposite of a panty-dropper: They are a knee-closer.

Beards, scruff, mustaches, sideburns: Fuck yes. Goatees: Kill yourself.

And why is it that the goatee sucks so hard? I have reasons:

1. Goatees (and especially the ones that taper to incredibly thin lines) have to be maintained. Like a vajazzled vagina or eyebrows that have to drawn on every morning, the goatee can only survive a few days on its own. After that, it turns into an entirely different beast. The goatee requires time, precision, special tools…and any dude who spends that much time staring at the mirror has a) far too high an opinion of himself and b) needs a punch in the neck.

sea turtle/Flickr

2. Goatees are creepy. People who use the Craigslist personals section have goatees. The douchiest frat boys have goatees. Rapists have goatees. The goatee is for the man who isn’t man enough to rock a beard, but who still wants the machismo that comes with facial hair. That self-obsessed need for a testosterone-y face gives off the same desperation as that of men who use rufies to get chicks.


3. Goatees look like a small hamster clinging to the bottom of the chin. Free the hamsters, guys.


4. Goatees put special emphasis on the lips, which is not a good thing. A pair of lips set in a frame of sculpted hair look oddly large and moist. This is distinctly off-putting, especially on a dude.

sokole oko/Flickr

5. Goatees are usually hiding something. A weak chin, a scar maybe, or just a weird mouth area in general. But please, if that’s the case and you have the ability to grow facial hair, do a full beard. The goatee-as-blemish-concealer doesn’t work. Instead, it’s like painting a big, hairy arrow on your face that says “My face gets real funky RIGHT HERE. RIGHT HERE, EVERYONE.” So either man up and grow the full beard, or proudly let the world see you for the unique, beautiful person you are.*

*You may still be ugly as sin, but at least you won’t have a goatee.

Featured photo courtesy of Joel Washing/Flickr


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