So I’m one of those dorks who likes old fashioned things. And one of those things that is quickly disappearing from day-to-day life is the writing and receiving of letters. Not the bullshit, obligatory birthday or holiday cards we all get every year; the ones that are all regurgitated cliches and mindless pap. What those mostly-empty cards really mean is “I wrote my name on the inside of this and put a stamp on it so I don’t have to feel guilty the next time I see you.”
And you know what? F that.
Handwritten letter are cool. They’re so intimate and rare that it doesn’t take much to turn one into something really touching and these days, getting anything in the mail other than credit card offers and shitty coupons is pretty exciting. The boring, required types of communication will get done online, so turn a letter into something fun and kind of pointless. Like:
- Draw a picture. Like, all the things you ate that day, or your really ugly coworker.
- Lists. What your poop has been like for the past week, 10 dogs you saw, things that you want to throw off a roof.
- Practice your cursive. Ok, this one is more for you, but look how pretty.
- Write in a circle so your friend has to rotate the paper as they read it and gets all annoyed. Also throw some confetti in there.
- Send a card for holiday that is months away. This is always funny. To me.
- Write a fake ransom note.
- Write it on the back a flier you got on the street that says something like “110 Girlz All Nude House Music DJ BroJo!!!” Your friend will be jealous they didn’t get to go, but at least they know you’re getting access to some sweet parties.
And it’s not like a handwritten letter or piece of snail mail has to be long. Even a one-liner, done correctly, is enough to establish you as the friend who sends awesome shit in the mail. Buy a weird postcard and come up with a succinct yet hilarious/meaningful message that will make the recipient smile when they read it. Below are some of my ideas. And you don’t even have to pay me for them.
- “I’m watching you right now.*” Then, lower down on the postcard: “*No, really. Turn around.”
- Lie about something. Really go for it with this one. “Had sex with Oprah yesterday. It was ok, I guess. Miss you!”
- Cover the entire thing in miniscule writing, to the point your friend may need a magnifying glass to read it. But make it about something totally mundane.
- “Please don’t get a paper cut on this.”
- Quotes. Really excellent quotes.
- “Remember that time when we [insert memory/inside joke]? That was the tits.”
- Elaborate treasure maps.
- Pretend mail from a prison inmate.
Also, always add something to the addressee’s name when you send it. Something like to: Heather “That’s Not My Underwear” McAlister. Oh, and if you use IM speak (LOLs, U R 2… and emoticons), just give up now. You’re missing the point.
Featured photo courtesy of Hotel Ocho/Flickr