Thing I hate #24: Harem Pants

Can someone please tell me how these keep (kind of) coming back in style? It’s like someone wanted their legs to look shorter, their ass to look bigger and their crotch to look like Jabba the Hut. I hate them so much that I’ve invented some slogans for them:

“Harem Pants: For When You’re Tired of Being Taken Seriously.”


“Harem Pants: Because You’re Kind of Tired of Having Sex.”


“Harem Pants: Like Crocs For Your Vagina.”

lululemon athletica/Flickr

I’m pretty sure all that harem pants have going for them is the fact that they’re comfortable. AND THEY DON’T EVEN LOOK THAT COMFORTABLE. Girls, correct me if I’m wrong on this, but aren’t our crotches supposed to be kind secretive and cute? That’s why we have lacy thongs and bikini bottoms and mini skirts. Harem pants turn your between-the-legs from “sexy” to “Holy fuck, it’s an elephant’s armpit.” And no, they’re not “so ugly they’re cute.” They’re just ugly.

The following are the circumstances under which I imagine harem pants were invented:

  1. Someone put their legs through the arms of a baggy old sweater as a joke. Someone else decided this was cool.
  2. Someone had the thought, “Hey, I shit my pants ALL THE TIME. What could I possibly do to get around this intestinal issue but still feel chic?”
  3. Some haggard old queen decided that all the other ladies in the kingdom needed to stop flaunting their tight, skinny asses.
  4. It was opposite day in the Land of Flattering Jeans.
  5. J. Lo. Not entirely sure why, but I feel (and so do others, apparently) like she is largely responsible for the recurring instances of harem-pants-revival.
  6. All the girls in the harem were like, “Ok, these pants suck, but maybe if we pretend they’re cool other girls will wear them and we won’t look like such tools.”
  7. The guy who invented the Snuggie decided to go into the pants business.

Featured photo courtesy of Idhren/Flickr


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