“I’m a simple man, I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast foods.”
– Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson is a genius, and not just because he has a glorious mustache and a healthy dislike of most humans. He loves breakfast food with a fervor and loyalty that I totally understand. I honestly can’t think of a time of day when breakfast food doesn’t sound amazing.
Morning? Yes. (duh)
Afternoon? Umm, of course I will have bacon at noon.
Evening? Eggs for dinner is never a bad thing.
In the middle of the night when I’ve decided to read some book cover to cover? Cereal sounds perfect.
So let’s break it down a little.
We’ll start with toast. If it isn’t making your kitchen small amazing, then it’s busy being delicious in your mouth. Toast is the shit.
Add butter to it because butter is amazing. Add peanut butter to it because peanut butter is even more amazing. Also it has “healthy fats.” Add jam or jelly because you want to pretend you had fruit for breakfast. Add preserves because you’re from the 1800s and like to use antiquated words like “preserves.”
Everyone has one they like. And if you don’t like at least one cereal, then you probably also don’t like M&Ms or a good practical joke (i.e., you are a tool). Breakfast cereals range from wee chocolate chip cookies to tiny pastel marshmallows to fiber- and nutrient-packed boxes of what look like rat turds. But I’m not judging! I like the rat turds!
Sidenote: Does anyone else remember having a parent fix you a bowl of cereal and never, ever putting in enough milk? The day I was allowed to add my own milk to my cereal bowl? That was a good day.
Another sidenote: Cereal-milk ice cream is undoubtedly one of the best things I have ever heard of. Ever.
Everything is better with an egg on it.
Pancakes and waffles.
Because you can make shapes* out of them.
Because you can put berries/bananas/chocolate chips/tiny army men in them.
Because you can cover them in butter, syrup, jam, honey, peanut butter, or nutella.
Because I love any reason to use an iron skillet and pretend I am a pioneer lady making breakfast before we hit the Oregon trail again.
*Common shapes include clouds, animals, and, if you’re a 1990s sex ed video, a uterus.
It smells. Like. Morning. And it is a legal drug. And it makes me feel so grown up when I drink it. And it gives me great pleasure to order a black coffee when everyone else is asking for a ventiwhippedsoyvanillabeanicedbutstillsomehowextrahotlattefrappacinomocha.
Featured image courtesy of Josh Liba/Flickr