Thing I hate #20: Guys Who Wear Necklaces

There are a few kinds of men who regularly wear necklaces. And they all suck.

1. The Surfer-ish Dude


Still stuck in 1996, pseudo-surfer dude hasn’t realized that no one wears puka shell necklaces or shark teeth on leather thongs any more. He is in a fraternity and wears boardshorts even when he is nowhere near a pool, lake or the ocean. He probably has STDs from all the girls he has fooled/drugged into sleeping with him.

2. The Hippie


All the peace symbols and wooden carvings and glass beads on braided hemp strands around his neck can’t distract you from the fact that this guy probably went to an expensive college and has parents who regularly send him money (that he spends on pot and appropriately-weathered thriftstore clothes).  The more hippie flare, the harder he is trying to convince the world that he fits in with the rest of the tree-huggers. White guy with dreads? Give him a mercy slap in the face. He probably has STDs from all the “free love.”

3. The Clubber


This dude wears necklaces to say “Ladies. I am a man in club wearing a mostly-unbuttoned shirt and sunglasses even though it’s past midnight. The jewelry around my neck should draw your eyes to my glistening and/or hairy chest. My name is Boris. Touch me.”

Or something.

He definitely has STDs.

4. Religious Guys

r.f.m. II/Flickr

The man wearing a necklace with a cross on it is telling the world how much he loves god. And jewelry. That means church attendance. Dry weddings. Weak acoustic guitar. There’s nothing wrong with believing in a higher power, but there’s no reason to get all effeminate and bling-y about it. Also he likes Creed.

He doesn’t have STDs.

But he likes Creed.

Main message? Jewelry on menfolk is lame, with a few exceptions (like medical ID bracelets). Just don’t do it, because then ladies will think you have STDs. Or like Creed.


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