Photo courtesy of bengt-re/Flickr
I have trouble coming up with a reason to like Valentine’s Day because as far as I can tell, it’s a completely sham holiday. I’m not going to rail against the rampant commercialism like every other single, bitter person in the world or whine about the fact that couples feel especially pressured to spend money and have a romantic night. Instead I will point out other totally valid reasons Valentine’s Day is hard to enjoy.
1. The candy sucks.
Those chalky hearts are almost as bad as the generic hard candies old people hand out on Halloween.They’re lame, bland, and the messages on them aren’t even funny. If they said things like “tittiezzz!” and “I want to jump your bones” and “Oops, this heart was for your mom” I might buy them. And don’t tell me those phrases are too long to fit on a little candy heart. It’s my imaginary candy and it will say what I want.
2. I don’t get work off.
Give me a day away from the office and maybe I’ll buy into this a little bit more.
3. Only roughly 30% of any box of chocolates is actually worth eating.
Once the good dark chocolates and caramels are gone, you’re left with a bunch of mystery turds that probably have nasty fillings like toothpaste or tartar sauce. Want someone to love you? Make them all good. And put out.
Marit & Toonis Hinnosaar/Flickr
4. The presents are crap.
Nobody needs a giant white teddy bear holding a heart; it’s just going to remind us of the rapidly-deteriorating situation of real polar bears which is a real downer.
5. I always mean to make my own crafty, hilarious valentines and forget until it’s too late.
Actually, I did okay this year.
Beverly & Pack/Flickr
Please also see The Oatmeal’s artistic interpretation of the worst parts of this holiday.