This goes for you, woman-with-the-nastily-long-fakes-glued-to-her-hands, as well as you, Mr. I-haven’t-cut-my-nails-since-I-started-playing-World-of-Warcraft. I hate you and your fingernails. In fact, I hate you because of your fingernails.
If you’re a chick, know this: fake nails are ugly. They don’t make you hands look elegant or your fingers look longer. They make it look like you’ve glued artificial plastic bits to the end of your digits. Because you have. It’s like you looked down at your hands (your simple, useful, human hands) and thought, “You know, I’d really like to hamper myself while performing the most basic of functions like typing on a keyboard or buttoning my jeans.”
And then you did.
Also know this: real long nails, while not as ugly, are still offensive to me. What are they, other than a shelf of keratin under which to trap dirt? Answer: not much. They’re also rather pointless, like snowglobes and vases of dried flowers. Unless you’re an incredibly itchy person (in which case you should probably go see a dermatologist or wash your sheets), they don’t really serve a purpose in modern society. You don’t need them to climb trees. They’re not a substitute for self-defense. They’re not used for food preparation (at least, dear lord, I hope they’re not). Instead, we paint them. Why? Because piercings, clothing, hair dye and jewelry apparently just aren’t enough when it comes to expressing ourselves.
If you’re a guy, long fingernails are even worse. You’re a dude. You don’t even have the excuse that you’re trying to look feminine. Instead, your nails send the following messages:
a) I’m lazy.
b) I’ll probably scratch you inadvertently soon.
c) I don’t care that I have the hands of a 65 year old hobo.
So clip that shit. You’re grossing me out.
Photo courtesy of mulmatsherm/flickr