Thing I Hate #5: Rat Tails

Photo courtesy of Gracezorz/flickr

Both kinds.

Always.

Instance #1: The haircut.

Possibly the worst haircut idea in history, the rat tail tries to be it all, and succeeds in just being heinous. It is neither mullet (see: ironic and hilarious) or buzz cut (see: conservative, military, intense). It is neither long hair on a boy (hippie, liberal, rebellious) nor short (standard, plain, boy next door). It is neither ballsy (see: handlebar mustache, mohawk, neck tattoo) nor appropriate (see: hair of uniform length). If I see you, sir, walking down the street towards me with your close-cropped hair all I will think is “Ah. Just another standard member of the male species.” Maybe I’ll even smile at you as I walk by.

But then you pass me.

And the wisp of hair trailing down your back catches my eye.

And I will never take you seriously again.

I just want to know why. Why on earth does one grow a rat tail? For several weeks in fifth grade I sat behind a boy with a rat tail and not a day went by that I didn’t fantasize about cutting it off. What does the rat tail add? Nothing. What does it take away? Dignity.

Instance #2: The actual rat tail

Creepy as all get-out, the rat tail is second on the list of animal appendages I do NOT want brushing up against my bare skin (the first being anything fish-related: scales, tentacles, fins). It’s a naked, finger-less arm extending from the butt of a rodent that eats dead things and carries the plague. Of course they’re awful.

Photos courtesy of specialKRBsurprise truck

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4 comments
  1. Jen said:

    Me and my cousin collect rat tails. There cute.

    • Lexi said:

      Jen, you and I have very different ideas about collecting things.

  2. Super Duper Long Rattail Boy said:

    I tell you what sweetie (that is if you are a girl), if you were sitting behind me in my class and I thought you was gonna try to cut my rattail off, which was completely down my back that the end would touch my seat when I sat down I would make sure it was tucked inside my shirt, or you would have been slapped royally if you tried. All the girls loved my tail down my back.

    • Lexi said:

      Dear Super Duper Long Rattail Boy:

      I bet you got a lot of … tail … with it.

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