Thing I hate #2: Loud Chewers

Let’s clarify: I don’t hate loud chewing. Sometimes that’s unavoidable. Certain foods have a texture and consistency that simply don’t allow for quiet mastication. It’s the chronic loud chewers that piss me off. People who, as soon as they put a piece of toast, a bite of apple or even a spoonful of ice cream into their mouths commence the smacking, wet, sloppy noises.

The noises that make me want to punch a baby.

And it’s usually not just slurping and gulping. No, these are people who also tend to noisily breathe, grunt and swallow their food with special gusto. The very worst occurrence happens during silent moments around a dinner table. No music, no conversation, just the moist sounds of people chewing.

And I hate it.

I call it the “wet vagina noise” (obvious to anyone who has spent any time around a vagina).

The best way to recreate it on your own is with a mouthful of yogurt.

Slowly, slowly swallow it.

Open and close your mouth more than is necessary.

Make sounds described as “gloppy.”

Just don’t do it around me.

Photos courtesy of pink_fish13 and dotbenjamin.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: