Let’s clarify: I don’t hate loud chewing. Sometimes that’s unavoidable. Certain foods have a texture and consistency that simply don’t allow for quiet mastication. It’s the chronic loud chewers that piss me off. People who, as soon as they put a piece of toast, a bite of apple or even a spoonful of ice cream into their mouths commence the smacking, wet, sloppy noises.
The noises that make me want to punch a baby.
And it’s usually not just slurping and gulping. No, these are people who also tend to noisily breathe, grunt and swallow their food with special gusto. The very worst occurrence happens during silent moments around a dinner table. No music, no conversation, just the moist sounds of people chewing.
And I hate it.
I call it the “wet vagina noise” (obvious to anyone who has spent any time around a vagina).
The best way to recreate it on your own is with a mouthful of yogurt.
Slowly, slowly swallow it.
Open and close your mouth more than is necessary.
Make sounds described as “gloppy.”
Just don’t do it around me.