Photo courtesy of celinet nadeau/Flickr
If you are
a) Below the age of 5
b) A gardener, nurse, or working in a similarly fashion-desensitized environment
c) Mentally retarded
…you may wear Crocs, with my blessing.
If you are not, take them off right now.
You are not “funky.”
You are not “eschewing conventional fashion.”
You are not “just wearing them because they’re really comfortable.”
You are a grown person wearing shoes that even Muppets would decline because they’re so lame. You have, on your feet, the footwear equivalent of the 1985 Yugo.
And let’s face it, anything that can be “accessorized” probably shouldn’t be. For example:
Cell phones. Those Sanrio charms and animal print cases just broadcast the fact that you don’t have a personality. In order to get attention, you need tiny kittens and swaravski crystals. And that’s not cute – it’s sad.
Cars. I defy you to add a bumper sticker to your car that makes it look better. Just like a tattoo, a bumper sticker on a car immediately decreases my respect for the owner, regardless of the fact that their child is an honor student and they heart their Boston terrier. See also: license plate covers and anything dangling from rear-view-mirrors (dreamcatchers, shrunken heads, graduation tassels: all tell me that you’re someone I will make fun of eventually).
Your house: Knick knacks. Picture frames. Artful displays of dried flowers. What else can we call these? “Things that piss me off when I have to dust.”
And, last but not least, Crocs. Case in point:
There are so many decent Crocs alternatives out there (flip flops, real clogs, hacking one’s feet off), it baffles me that the company actually made a profit for a while. Oh, but not for long. I hope the fact of the company’s bankruptcy brings you as much joy as it brought me.