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Summary of baking process for the Big-Ass Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake:

1. Be related to someone who has a birthday. Someone who admittedly does not like “sweet things, or desserts, really.” Remind yourself that you have to love them because they are blood but why can’t they enjoy cake like a normal human.

2. Remember that they love chocolate chip cookies.

3. Read this blog, and then this post. Develop a girl crush.

4. Get all excited to use your cast iron skillet. Then look in the mirror and say, I am not a pioneer. I do not live in the mountains. Calm down a little.

4. Bake the shit out of it.

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The original post where I found this recipe calls it the “Speedy Cheezy Protein Pasta Bowl.” Only I kind of hate that name because not only is it too long, but “cheezy,” with it’s needless “z,” is a really obnoxious word. Also “protein” being highlighted as a particular dietary benefit always makes me think of sperm.

And I couldn’t call it the Yeast-y Protein Bowl, because yeast is even worse. You know what I mean.

Hence, the Goddamn Hippie Winter Bowl.

It’s actually pretty good.

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Ingredients*

2 sticks butter, softened to room temperature
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
4-5 cups confectioner’s (powdered) sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup of half and half, milk, or whatever hippie soy/almond substitute you use. Plus more if needed.

*This makes a metric shit-ton of frosting. Consider using the leftovers during sexy time with your boy- or lady-friend. If they aren’t already, this will totally make them fall in love with you.

Step 1:
Whip the living daylights out of the butter, the brown sugar, and the cinnamon. You could stop here, make pancakes, and use that as a spread, but I already had breakfast so we’re moving forward with the frosting.

Step 2: 
Add the vanilla, and a splash of the milk. Whip/beat it* a little bit more.

*Making frosting has some really aggressive, sexually suggestive language. On that note, does anyone know any single boys who like baked goods?

Step 3:
Add a third of the powdered sugar. Beat until fully incorporated. Spend the next few minutes adding powdered sugar, then some milk, then some more sugar. Stop occasionally to scrape down the sides of the bowl, and also so you have an excuse to lick the spatula.

Adding the sugar in little doses like this and then totally combining it makes for a smoother, fluffier frosting in the end. And if you run out of milk but haven’t gotten to your desired frosting consistency, add a little bit more. I’ll look away.

Step 4:
Now, go back to the snickerdoodle cake you just made, and frost it. Frost it hard, and frost it long.

THERE. YOU ARE AWESOME.

Poppycorn is a stupid-simple and crazy-good thing we make every Christmas. It consists of Crispix, popcorn, and almonds tossed in a caramel mixture and then baked to kind-of-crunchy, kind-of-chewy mouthgasmic goodness. You will not regret making it. The original recipe is brought to you by my little sister’s best childhood friend’s mom, Patty.

And the number 7.

And the letter ø.

Ingredients:

1 lb butter. Use real butter. Because, butter.​
2 cups brown sugar​
3/4 cup light corn syrup​
2 tsp vanilla​
1/2 tsp baking soda
2-14 oz boxes Crispix
10-ish cups popcorn (2 bags microwave)
1-2 cups almonds (optional)

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Adapted from Joy the Baker

Muffins (makes 24 big-ass muffins, 50-ish mini muffins):
3/4 cup unsalted butter
2/3 cup whole milk
2 eggs
2. egg yolks
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups white sugar
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoon salt
4 cups blueberries

Topping:
6 tablespoons cold, unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar

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