Celebrating Schneider Weisse Day

Or, How to Make New Years Not Suck.

Start your new year with Schneider Weisse Day* Eve (January 1st), and Schneider Weisse Day (January 2nd). Because it is so much better than being hungover after a night stuck a shitty bar full of people you don’t like.

You will not regret this.

The History of Schneider Weisse Day

Begun in 1769, in the Bavarian hamlet of Likkensiedikken, Schneider Weisse Day is a celebration of the new year. And of sausage.

That’s pretty much it.

How to Celebrate

1. Buy a jar of Bockwurst. Preferably on clearance, and preferably of the least-enticing presentation possible. If you can find it pickled or cured, in a jar, you’re on the right track.
It should smell like cat food.
2.  Rent a cabin and invite the kind of people who appreciate clearance-rack sausage.
3. Enforce a dress code consisting of
- Flannel
- Down vests and/or jackets
- 1980′s era après-ski gear
- Traditional German lederhosen or dirndls
- Varying amounts of nudity
4. Speak only in exaggerated  German accents. End most of your sentences with “Ja?”
5. Let the magic happen. Whether or not you open and consume the bockwurst depends entirely on how much you and your friends like to place bets.

*This is an entirely made-up holiday. Schneider Weisse is actually a brand of German beer, and has nothing to do with sausage. Other than the fact that is is German. Which means it’s probably all about the sausage.**

**I’m German, so this is not racist.

Thing I hate #21: German Chocolate Cake

German chocolate cake is awful. Because:

1. It is not German.

Authentic German desserts include torte, strudel, marzipan and lebkuchen. Not the cobbled-together shitwad that is a German Chocolate cake. The current name of the recipe omits an important apostrophe; the cake should be called German’s Chocolate Cake after the man who invented it.

2, It has coconut in it.

There are no coconuts in Germany. Also, coconut is gross.Yes, I’m one of those: I don’t like coconut, especially not in my cake or frosting. Its sweetness is weird-tasting and the texture is awful. It manages to be chewy and flaky at the same time, both of which are unacceptable here.

3. Chocolate-on-chocolate is weak.

It’s akin to wearing jean-on-jean. One is fine; give me a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting any day, or a dense chocolate cake with something like buttercream, caramel, peanut butter or anything that contrasts with the flavor of the cake. I don’t need more of the same.

4, There are nuts in it.

Nuts are fantastic. Nuts in desserts are not. The chopped pecans in the frosting of German Chocolate Cake work with the coconut to really ruin what decent texture the frosting might have had. Frosting should not have chunks in it.

F the pecans.

5. It reminds me of my grandma.

You’d think this would be a good thing, but you’d be wrong. My grandma was a bitter woman who always managed to suck the laughter and easy-going fun out of birthdays and holidays.

And she always got us German chocolate cake.

This was partly our fault. In order to not hurt her feelings, my sisters and i initially pretended to like it (per Mom’s instructions). Then Nana got it into her head that we loved it. Same with nuts in cookies. And she always. Made. Us. Cookies.

If there is in fact a reason to eat this cake, I’m all ears.

Featured photo courtesy of callme_crochet/Flickr