Big-Ass Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake

Summary of baking process for the Big-Ass Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake:

1. Be related to someone who has a birthday. Someone who admittedly does not like “sweet things, or desserts, really.” Remind yourself that you have to love them because they are blood but why can’t they enjoy cake like a normal human.

2. Remember that they love chocolate chip cookies.

3. Read this blog, and then this post. Develop a girl crush.

4. Get all excited to use your cast iron skillet. Then look in the mirror and say, I am not a pioneer. I do not live in the mountains. Calm down a little.

4. Bake the shit out of it.

Snickerdoodle Cake

Adapted from Always With Butter

Ingredients:

For the cake:
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1 stick butter, softened to room temperature
3/4 cup fine or superfine sugar
2 large eggs, room temperature
1/2 tablespoon vanilla extract
3/4 cups whole milk, warmed to room temperature

Thing I hate #21: German Chocolate Cake

German chocolate cake is awful. Because:

1. It is not German.

Authentic German desserts include torte, strudel, marzipan and lebkuchen. Not the cobbled-together shitwad that is a German Chocolate cake. The current name of the recipe omits an important apostrophe; the cake should be called German’s Chocolate Cake after the man who invented it.

2, It has coconut in it.

There are no coconuts in Germany. Also, coconut is gross.Yes, I’m one of those: I don’t like coconut, especially not in my cake or frosting. Its sweetness is weird-tasting and the texture is awful. It manages to be chewy and flaky at the same time, both of which are unacceptable here.

3. Chocolate-on-chocolate is weak.

It’s akin to wearing jean-on-jean. One is fine; give me a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting any day, or a dense chocolate cake with something like buttercream, caramel, peanut butter or anything that contrasts with the flavor of the cake. I don’t need more of the same.

4, There are nuts in it.

Nuts are fantastic. Nuts in desserts are not. The chopped pecans in the frosting of German Chocolate Cake work with the coconut to really ruin what decent texture the frosting might have had. Frosting should not have chunks in it.

F the pecans.

5. It reminds me of my grandma.

You’d think this would be a good thing, but you’d be wrong. My grandma was a bitter woman who always managed to suck the laughter and easy-going fun out of birthdays and holidays.

And she always got us German chocolate cake.

This was partly our fault. In order to not hurt her feelings, my sisters and i initially pretended to like it (per Mom’s instructions). Then Nana got it into her head that we loved it. Same with nuts in cookies. And she always. Made. Us. Cookies.

If there is in fact a reason to eat this cake, I’m all ears.

Featured photo courtesy of callme_crochet/Flickr