The 5 Worst Swim Team Mascots I Can Think Of

I’m on a Masters Swim Team, and we are currently trying to come up with a new mascot. Our coach is Syrian, and  there is occasionally a language barrier when the team discusses important issues such as mascots or workouts. It doesn’t help that he occasionally substitutes the French spelling of words when he writes workouts on the board because it will “teach us things.”

Below are the five worst swim team mascots I can think of. There are already enough people calling themselves dolphins and otters. And these are funnier.

1. The Wet Pussies

photo courtesy of m a t t i e u

Cats hate to swim. That’s why this is hilarious. Not the other reason.

2. The Rocks

photo courtesy of Chris_J

Our coach once sent an email to the team that included the phrase, “You are rocks.” We think he meant “You rock.” But are not 100% sure.

Also, we’re in San Francisco. And sometimes we swim in the Bay. And Alcatraz is in the Bay. And some people call Alcatraz “the Rock.”

That makes two really good reasons we should call ourselves after an object that does the exact opposite of what a swimmer does.

3. The Butt Cracks

Everyone has seen a man who wears his speedo a size or two too small. And the resulting inch or so of ass crack that peeks out. This is a recurring topic of conversation in the swimming community, and I want to encourage that.

4. The Octi-Jockeys

5. I’m going to send this last one to our coach as a 100% serious mascot submission, which would make us the San Francisco Missile-firing Raptor Sharks.

10 Ways To Ruin Your Day

Aside from the deaths of loved ones, serious injuries, financial disasters, and war, below is a list of ten things that turn my mood immediately from good to fucking terrible. I will assume you are exactly the same.

Ten (Minor) Things That Ruin A Day:

1. Step on a lego in your bare feet.
2. Realize you lost your keys. Frantically empty entire contents of bag on to sidewalk. Hear a metallic jingle and feel sudden rush of relief. See that it was just a buckle hitting another buckle or something. Realize you really did lose your keys in a second, totally-soul-crushing moment. Then, THEN find said keys. Spend the rest of the day pissed off at keys and bags in general.
3. Read an article about a teenage athlete who is sailing around the world/reinventing ski-cross/going to the Olympics/just fucking killing it in general. Also they’re really attractive. And rich. And sixteen.
4. Something is stuck in your teeth, but you cannot get it out. Nor do you have floss.
5. Attempt to parallel park, don’t quite get the angle right, and turn the process into a five-minute wiggle-back-and-forth-like-a-retard maneuver. Pedestrians watch you the entire time.
6. Justin Bieber.
7. Visit Facebook because you are bored. Hate the inane shit that everyone posts there, but read it for a solid 30 minutes anyways. Somehow finish by being even more bored and also loathing yourself.
8. A giant, spiky booger is in your nose but OTHER PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT YOU AND YOU CANNOT PICK IT.
9. It’s one of those days where the internet is just lame. All of it.
10. For whatever reason, your asshole is incredibly itchy.

Big-Ass Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake

Summary of baking process for the Big-Ass Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake:

1. Be related to someone who has a birthday. Someone who admittedly does not like “sweet things, or desserts, really.” Remind yourself that you have to love them because they are blood but why can’t they enjoy cake like a normal human.

2. Remember that they love chocolate chip cookies.

3. Read this blog, and then this post. Develop a girl crush.

4. Get all excited to use your cast iron skillet. Then look in the mirror and say, I am not a pioneer. I do not live in the mountains. Calm down a little.

4. Bake the shit out of it.

#TTATBTPAOFBYDA

(Things That Are Too Boring To Post About On Facebook But You Did Anyway)

1. Breathing.

“I’m Taking My Pants Off” and Four Other Things You Should Say All The Time

1. I’m taking my pants off.

Use this one as often as possible. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. Different inflections and different settings vary the hilariousness, but shit. This one’s always a win. Best delivery is usually totally deadpan, and is followed by a reach towards your zipper. For example:

(over intercom) Friend: Hey, we’re outside. Buzz us in.
You: Ok! I’m taking my pants off.

(Arriving late to a restaurant) Sit down, heave a big sigh, and say, “Traffic was insane.” Look around table, toss napkin on plate. “I’m taking my pants off.“

Friend: Want to go try that new cupcake place around the corner?
You: Sure. I’m taking my pants off. 

(At a zoo) Friend: Giraffes really are majestic creatures, aren’t they?
You: I’m taking my pants off. 

2. IT’S MY FAVORITE.

This must be said angrily and defensively, and in the most bitchy-gay voice you can muster. See this video at the 2:00 mark for the perfect example.  When to use:

At Christmas. Every single time you open a present.

Each time someone compliments you on an article of clothing.

At the end of your order from a restaurant. Then again, if that order is delivered to your house.

In response to the question, “Do you like _________?” if you actually do like the thing, but also want to scare that person a little.

3. Christ on a bike.

Use this exclamation in place of Oh God, Jesus Christ, Good Lord, etc. They’re old, they’re played out, and this one is better. Because, imagine it.

4. That’s it.

Said in response to any trifling piece of negative news. Like, “Oh, we forgot napkins.” This one also requires a physical performance that is known as “giving up.” Go limp. Just crumple to the ground and lay down in one of those splayed-out poses bad actors use in death scenes. The best is when your arms are also full: drop your keys and your bags and become an impediment to foot traffic. Giving up is also better in public places like malls and work functions, or at least when a lot of your friends are watching.

5. Every line of dialogue from Dumb & Dumber.

If there is one movie to quote incessantly, it’s this one. Dumb & Dumber lines are a good barometer of how awesome someone is. If they know the line, they are awesome. If they don’t, they aren’t.