Thing I love #44: Snoring Animals
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The 5 Worst Swim Team Mascots I Can Think Of
I’m on a Masters Swim Team, and we are currently trying to come up with a new mascot. Our coach is Syrian, and there is occasionally a language barrier when the team discusses important issues such as mascots or workouts. It doesn’t help that he occasionally substitutes the French spelling of words when he writes workouts on the board because it will “teach us things.”
Below are the five worst swim team mascots I can think of. There are already enough people calling themselves dolphins and otters. And these are funnier.
1. The Wet Pussies
photo courtesy of m a t t i e u
Cats hate to swim. That’s why this is hilarious. Not the other reason.
2. The Rocks
photo courtesy of Chris_J
Our coach once sent an email to the team that included the phrase, “You are rocks.” We think he meant “You rock.” But are not 100% sure.
Also, we’re in San Francisco. And sometimes we swim in the Bay. And Alcatraz is in the Bay. And some people call Alcatraz “the Rock.”
That makes two really good reasons we should call ourselves after an object that does the exact opposite of what a swimmer does.
3. The Butt Cracks
Everyone has seen a man who wears his speedo a size or two too small. And the resulting inch or so of ass crack that peeks out. This is a recurring topic of conversation in the swimming community, and I want to encourage that.
4. The Octi-Jockeys
5. I’m going to send this last one to our coach as a 100% serious mascot submission, which would make us the San Francisco Missile-firing Raptor Sharks.
10 Ways To Ruin Your Day
Aside from the deaths of loved ones, serious injuries, financial disasters, and war, below is a list of ten things that turn my mood immediately from good to fucking terrible. I will assume you are exactly the same.
Ten (Minor) Things That Ruin A Day:
- Step on a lego in your bare feet.
- Realize you lost your keys. Frantically empty entire contents of bag on to sidewalk. Hear a metallic jingle and feel sudden rush of relief. See that it was just a buckle hitting another buckle or something. Realize you really did lose your keys in a second, totally-soul-crushing moment. Then, THEN find said keys. Spend the rest of the day pissed off at keys and bags in general.
- Read an article about a teenage athlete who is sailing around the world/reinventing ski-cross/going to the Olympics/just fucking killing it in general. Also they’re really attractive. And rich. And sixteen.
- Something is stuck in your teeth, but you cannot get it out. Nor do you have floss.
- Attempt to parallel park, don’t quite get the angle right, and turn the process into a five-minute wiggle-back-and-forth-like-a-retard maneuver. Pedestrians watch you the entire time.
- Justin Bieber.
- Visit Facebook because you are bored. Hate the inane shit that everyone posts there, but read it for a solid 30 minutes anyways. Somehow finish by being even more bored and also loathing yourself.
- A giant, spiky booger is in your nose but OTHER PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT YOU AND YOU CANNOT PICK IT.
- It’s one of those days where the internet is just lame. All of it.
- For whatever reason, your asshole is incredibly itchy.
Big-Ass Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake
Summary of baking process for the Big-Ass Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake:
1. Be related to someone who has a birthday. Someone who admittedly does not like “sweet things, or desserts, really.” Remind yourself that you have to love them because they are blood but why can’t they enjoy cake like a normal human.
2. Remember that they love chocolate chip cookies.
3. Read this blog, and then this post. Develop a girl crush.
4. Get all excited to use your cast iron skillet. Then look in the mirror and say, I am not a pioneer. I do not live in the mountains. Calm down a little.
4. Bake the shit out of it.
#TTATBTPAOFBYDA
(Things That Are Too Boring To Post About On Facebook But You Did Anyway)
1. Breathing.
